The Unexpected Link Between Taking out the Trash and Keeping Your Girlfriend: Lessons for Teenage Boys

This is a conversation I had with my girlfriend’s 14-year-old son, hoping to motivate him to pick up the pace and increase his performance and productivity. I believe this is every parent’s dream, to see their teenage boy snapping out of it and getting more serious about “life.” I don’t really recall how serious I was about life at 14, but I do remember knowing what I wanted from an early age. My goal with this conversation was to make him think, speak up, and make some sense — or at least as much sense as a fourteen-year-old can make.

A bit of background: Zach, my girlfriend’s teenage son, has had a girlfriend for a few months now, and I’ve noticed they spend a lot of time together. I assumed he likes her, and that was my angle — or better said, the leverage we all need when trying to capture the attention of a disconnected and disinterested teenage boy. (Zach is a fictitious name for privacy reasons).

Once I had his attention, I asked him, “Zach, do you want to know why your girlfriend might dump you?” He looked at me, almost startled. I knew I had hooked him. “Why?” he asked, genuinely interested in having a conversation — a rare thing for a teenager, if you know what I mean.

“Well,” I continued, “girls — or women — when choosing a partner, always aim high. A woman will always be interested in a guy who is at least on the same level as her or better. Usually, women will pick a guy who is funnier, smarter, makes more money, or has higher status.

“Do you think your mom would date me if I were a deadbeat?” “No,” he answered quickly.

He was listening, so I continued. “What was your first reaction when I texted you yesterday asking you to take the trash cans out? Be honest. I promise I won’t get offended. Did you think, ‘Oh shoot, I forgot and need to do it right away,’ or was it, ‘Meh, who cares, I’ll do it later when I feel like it’?”

After being encouraged to give me his honest answer, Zach replied, “The latter.”

“Of course you did,” I added. “Now, how do you think 95% of kids your age would think about the same task?”

“The same,” he said.

“Of course they would,” I confirmed. “Ninety-five percent of kids your age will do exactly what you did — they’ll do nothing. Don’t get me wrong,” I added, “I know you’re a nice kid and have a really big heart, and that’s why your girlfriend likes you right now. However, when you grow older, you’ll need more than a big heart to get and keep a woman, like your girlfriend. She’ll want to eat at nice restaurants, live in nice apartments, and probably go on nice vacations sometimes. You’ll need money for that. It would be great if you could take your big heart to the bank and cash it in, but unfortunately, you can’t. You’ll need to have some skills, work ethic, and definitely a different attitude to rise above the ninety-five percent.

“Now, let’s see how you’re doing. On a scale from 1 to 10, with one being a deadbeat and ten being three steps ahead, where would you rate your performance? Better yet, how do you think your mother would rate your performance? Or even your sister?”

“I think Mom would give me a 7.” “How about your sister?” I asked. “The same,” he answered.

“Okay, let’s find out.” I called his mom and 16-year-old sister from the other room. “How would you rate your son on a scale from 1 to 10? We’re not talking about love; we all know it’s always a 10. We’re strictly talking about overall performance — getting things done, being alert, responsive, and receptive.”

Mom gave him a 5, and his sister gave him a 4. He didn’t look shocked, but I could tell he was a little surprised.

“Well, you heard it,” I added. “You and your girlfriend are young now, and I’m happy to see you happy. However, as you grow older, if you stay the same, based on your assessment, you’re a part of the 95%. What do you think are the chances of your girlfriend staying with you?”

“Not much,” he answered.

“I agree with you. So, since you are still young, what do you need to do now to be part of the 5% and still be with your girlfriend later when you’re older?” He didn’t answer.

I’ll tell you. When you’re put in a situation like yesterday, ask yourself, “What would most kids my age do — rush to take the trash cans out, or delay it and eventually fail to do it?” Be part of the 5% when you pick the answer.

“What would most teenage kids do when asked to clean up their room, make their beds, put more effort into their homework, clean the dishes, and increase their overall performance?”

“They would say, ‘Meh,’” Zach answered.

“Exactly,” I confirmed. “So, what do you need to do now to keep your girlfriend 10 years from now?”

“Do the opposite,” he answered.

“Bingo!” I shouted.

It all came together. I felt like he was actively listening and interested in finding out why his girlfriend might dump him. It was fascinating to see the expression on his face changing when he connected the dots. He finally started realizing the connection between making his bed in the morning, taking the trash out when asked, and preventing a situation where his girlfriend could dump him. Not many see how making your bed in the morning can lead to a better relationship, or how drinking more water can increase your income.

The night ended on a very good note. Whether he’ll follow through and apply everything we discussed remains to be seen. It also remains to be seen whether having the same girlfriend or “a girlfriend” will be a good or bad thing.

One thing I know is that if I want to keep a teenager interested in a conversation, I need to connect with them on the subject rather than just preaching life lessons.

We tend to follow through more once we deeply understand how our choices directly impact and affect our goals, lifestyle, and most importantly, the relationships with our loved ones. So instead of struggling with “doing the right thing,” try to understand and feel, if possible, how it feels to do the opposite. That might just do the trick.

Good luck and God Bless.